Dr. Beverly Weinhold, LPCC

All that is gold does not glitter. Not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither;  Deep roots are not met by the frost.  J.R.R. Tolkien

I’m a licensed psychotherapist who has worked with parents of estranged children for 15 years. Estrangement is a trend on the rise in America that families don’t want to talk about.  One study estimates over 65 million Americans (about 1 in 4) are experiencing family estrangement according to Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer. Most cases have nothing to do with abuse or maltreatment, though some do.  I’m talking about parents who weren’t perfect but raised children responsibly, gave sacrificially and loved unconditionally.  Now retired, they are cut off from children and grandkids with no explanation. Expert Joshua Coleman calls this trend a “silent epidemic.”  

Therapist Tina Gilbertson says estrangement shows three faces:  Total cutoff meaning no contact anytime, anywhere.  One day calls stop, texts don’t ding  and you’re blocked from Facebook.  Emotional estrangement is another when an adult shows up in the room, but is emotionally absent. It’s a play nice relationship papered over with some texts, spotty phone calls, and holiday presents (with no presence).  Finally, on-again/off-again estrangement is an emotional roller coaster ride.  Recycling over and again no one knows from one minute to the next when/if the script will flip.  

Sociologists say a big reason for estrangement is a seismic shift in family values (a generation gap). Therapists offer other reasons: divorce, mental health disorders, in-law differences, alcohol, gender identity and politics.  It’s hard to pin it on one point. Sufferers testify that estrangement starts small and swells, crescendoing to cutoff overtime. A recurrent theme running through estrangements is agency.  Adult children say they were not given age appropriate decision-making power to make collaborative choices forcing cutoff to find their own identity.    

Christopher Robin, son of A.A. Milne author of Winnie the Pooh, is a prime example.  Christopher Robin Milne had a painful father-son relationship ending in estrangement.  Milne cast his son in a role that became his reality and public persona without any choice.  At first the real Christopher Robin basked in the fame and popularity of the  Pooh books.  But going to boarding school he was bullied.  He fast became resentful of what he felt was his father’s exploitation casting him into a fictional character who became famous.  Without agency, he didn’t know who he was so acted out a role he was cast in. Though A.A. Milne saw the damage done he was defensive and never understand the depth of his son’s betrayal creating a cut-off that never reconciled in his lifetime.  

While the reasons why adult children estrange are complicated, one thing’s certain.  It’s a heart-breaking betrayal and soul shattering separation for everybody involved. Many who work with estrangement say the pain is a moral injury akin to PTSD.  Most call it trauma: “any disturbing experience that results in fear, helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings intense enough to have a long-lasting negative effect on a person’s attitudes, behavior, and functioning” (American Psychological Association).  And that’s the rub for rushing to reconciliation.

Complex layers built over time that become trauma don’t yield to a silver bullet approach.  There is no quick fix. Rather than overanalyzing why, it’s wise to take a long loving look at the real. Learning to listen deeply rather than reacting, estrangement can become a portal for personal growth and a more satisfying relationship with adult children.  This transition isn’t intuitive. It’s intentional.  First, it’s important to keep the focus on ourselves and not blame-shift on our spouse or child. Second, it’s smart to get some education to gain perspective of the problem and realize we are not alone. Third, this is not a private wound, but a collective trauma. Moving toward reconciliation requires reciprocal sharing of different versions of a shared past. Separate realities can respectfully coexist. Learning to listen deeply and accept another’s reality doesn’t deny justice. This is a peacemaking (not peacekeeping) process extending hope beyond human wisdom.

Summarizing, studies estimate over 65 million Americans (about 1 in 4) are experiencing family estrangement says Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer.   According to gold standard research (Waldinger, Harvard Study), humans are built for relationship. While we are all flawed, family offers scaffolding to hold us and hug us while we wander and find our way in an uncertain world.  Rupture happens. Repair invites radical acceptance. And to Tolkien’s point: “Not all who wander are lost.”

HEALING FOR HURTING PARENTS: Join me beginning on October 22-December 10  (7 Wednesdays) 1 hr 15 mins to learn about estrangement, find support and learn take-away tools.  This is an in-person education and support group costing $250 for all 7 sessions.  PROFESSIONAL TOWERS,  4010 Dutchman Lane, CONFERENCE ROOM (door to left, back entrance), Louisville KY 40207.  REGISTER:  dr.revbeverly@gmail.com , (502) 365 1920.

End Notes

Coleman, J. (2021, Mar)  Rules of Estrangement:  why adult children cut ties and how to heal the conflict. practical tips and tools to heal the relationship. 

Gilbertson, T.  (2020, May) Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Griffin, BJ et al.  (2019, Jan)  Moral Injury: An Integrative Review. NIH, Pub. 

Pillermer, K.  (2020, Sept) Fault Lines: fractured Families and how to mend them.

Tolkien, J.R.R. The Fellowship of the Ring

Waldinger, R. (1938-current), the world’s longest study on adult life, finding good relationships as the most important factor for lifelong health/happiness.